Creating perspective

I have had 5 days to mull over the whole situation with Katia and my emotions go up and down. Bringing her to the boat and putting her on was heartbreaking. She clung to me and looked devastated. Harder still was the fact that she doesn't speak English so there could be no explanations or comforting words. The one good part was that the host family accompanying the kids to NY for their flight does speak Russian so they were able to talk with her and give me an update. She was sad and broken up about leaving us but they had made certain to explain to all the kids before they came that no matter what at the end of 3 weeks they had to go back. Somehow that makes me feel better that she knew it was never a possibility to just not send her back...Does that make sense?? I have to admit after watching her leave and her crying for mama I had a moment of feeling like geesh did I just royally fuck with this kid. Did I give her a mother only to take that away from her again? A fair amount of people have expressed that its almost like a carrot you dangle in front of them and then take away. Honestly I have given it a lot of thought and I still have to think she is better for having the experience. The whole carrot argument is like saying to someone that they should never take a vacation and get waited on because thats not real life and they shouldn't get used to it or that you should never feel the emotions of falling in love because it might end someday. These kids need to feel what a loving family is like because someday they too will become parents and they need some sort of role models for it. Its also good that they can still feel emotion and connection because soo many children get numb to it and have trouble attaching. Plus I think its better to have someone in your life that you knows cares about you and stays involved even if they cant be with you all the time. I talked to a women who has hosted before and made a strong connection with the teen girl she had stay with her (and that will stay with her again) and she said that the girl told her that even though she could not be a traditional mom in the sense that they lived together that it was important to her just to know that she had someone out there she could write to and call mom. Does this make sense or am I grasping at straws. I dont know I go up and down. I think I will feel better once I get some communication from her and find out how she is feeling.

This is my second experience at temporary parenting (the first time being my foster daughter)and its hard each time. It makes me not want to open myself up to it again because in some ways its crippling. I dont know why I feel compelled to set myself up to be hurt over and over. Well alright maybe I do know..Its just a sad world we live in sometimes and there are soo many kids just lacking the basic things. Even when I try to not think about those kids and concentrate on just my own I cant seem to get it out of my mind. Its haunting and somewhat of a curse pehaps. And no I'm not some saintly person or some Mother Theresa type. I think people have that image of foster parents. Couldnt be father from the truth. I really honestly am just a normal woman who sometimes is even prone to acting selfishly and isn't the perfect parent by any stretch. I tend to think there are alot more people like me who want to do these things but dont know how. I do have that mother hen quality and tend to try to fix other peoples problems but I think alot of us women do. The dilemna in talking about any of this is in not scaring people away or making them feel its something of a hardship. I drive my own mom up the wall sometimes because she says I find new ways to complicate my own life but really I feel blessed to have known "Kay" and Katia.

I have to share the one thing I really hate as a foster parent which is when other people say to me that they wish they could do it but that they would get too attached. Something in that statement implies that I have found a way not to attatch or that I am somehow colder. I'll let you know that I have attached each time and had my heart broken in 2. Its just that I patch it back up again and move on...